I’ve had the opportunity to work with a number of birthmothers through my work over the past year. It’s been one of the most moving, humbling, intense experiences of my life. I can’t say much on a public blog but what I can say is that the “bad old days” of shame and just absolute heartbreak in adoption are not behind us. It is not the deep dark past; it continues today. My heart breaks over and over for these women and what they endure.
January 4, 2007
January 4, 2007 at 11:02 am
My feelings about domestic adoption are so much more complicated now than they were when we embarked on our journey to adopt Madison. If I had it to do over again I would rather have had a different happy ending. That is hard for me to say and I know that people might misinterpret it. I am so very grateful for Madison and know that I’ve been blessed beyond measure (and beyond deserving).
I have been thinking about this A LOT lately and am not really sure what to do with my feelings about it. (Babble on your comments, I guess. I’ve been skirting the topic on my own blog.)
January 4, 2007 at 11:36 am
Dawn, I know it’s difficult but I wonder what you mean about “a different happy ending.” Could you say more about that?
January 4, 2007 at 1:23 pm
I can’t say much on a public blog but what I can say is that the “bad old days” of shame and just absolute heartbreak in adoption are not behind us. It is not the deep dark past; it continues today. My heart breaks over and over for these women and what they endure.
Thank you Susan. For this. It made me cry. Validation always does. That someone else sees the horrors always moves me.
January 4, 2007 at 7:16 pm
A good friend of mine and his wife adopted a baby girl a few years ago, working with a birthmother 2000 miles away. I’m not too familiar with the way it all works, so hopefully I didn’t misunderstand any of the basic story lines. Essentially, they had to first shop around for a state that had laws that were less unfavorable than others, then they had to find the right situation. Everyone acted in good faith, and it was still a bit of a nightmare – for both sides, I gather. Money paved over some of the potholes along the way, and if the good faith had broken down, I can only imagine how awful it would have been. There must be a better way.
January 5, 2007 at 3:57 am
Though I completely understand and respect the privacy issues involved, I wish there WERE a way you could talk more about this, because sometimes I think keeping it secret helps allow it to continue. xoxom
January 5, 2007 at 10:37 am
I’ve been thinking about this an awful lot trying to put it into words. I guess my feeling is that without adoption reform in place I can never feel fully confident about the way our adoption went down. Lately I’ve been trying to figure out how to live with my regrets with what I did (and importantly didn’t) do and to forgive myself for being taken in by adoption stereotypes because I wanted to be (because I wanted a baby). I don’t know how it would have played out had things been different (maybe Madison would still be with us) but I sure wish those reforms WERE in place.
January 5, 2007 at 2:42 pm
dawn, you are one of the most conscientious, ethical, and thoughtful adoptive parents I have ever known. I totally agree that adoption practices need to be reformed. And then even with reforms, people are going to do things. There are thousands of people who have done whatever you did (that you regret) and much worse and will never in a million years regret it; and that is what makes me upset.
January 13, 2007 at 3:24 pm
Change is coming. I feel it in the air.