When the chance came up to read and review Gwendolen Gross‘ The Other Mother, I was eager to get in on it. I have to admit to harboring an odd fascination with the so-called “mommy wars,” because I’ve often felt like I’ve been on the sidelines. I’ve worked since my kids were infants, but either from home or part time. I’ve never worked 80 hours a week out of the home. So I guess I could relate to both sides, and to neither side. I can’t relate to people who say, “I could never leave my child with someone else!” Nor can I relate to people whose work is so consuming that they have more-than-full time nannies. I’ve rarely missed a school performance or parent-teacher conference or any of the other multitudes of events that take place during the day. (um, maybe this is why I haven’t finished my novel) Plus, this novel was set in New Jersey, in the county where I grew up, so I had even more of a soft spot.
Given my fence-sitting self, I found myself ping-ponging back and forth between the two women: Amanda, who mother of an infant and a book editor in New York city, and Thea, who is the stay at home mom to three kids (and who eventually becomes the caregiver for her neighbor’s baby). I could relate to the both of them at various times, which I take as testament to Gross’ characterization skills. It was easy to be annoyed with both, incredulous at both, and nodding vigorously at both.
I’d recommend this book to any mothers who are struggling (or not) with the intricacies of their roles. These so-called “mommy wars” are not as rigid and cut-and-dried as many would want us to believe. Even the most ardent stay at home mother wants some time for herself, some independence; and even the hardest working professional has moments of missing their child.
This book is about two very specific and unique women. They’re both affluent, white, married suburbanites. Gross doesn’t attempt to bring up the question: what about women who aren’t choosing a career path, but a job that will make ends meet and just pay the rent (never mind a mortage)? What about women who don’t have the ample choices that these two do? But that is not what this book is about. This book is about two women who have plenty of choices and plenty of luxury to both be envious of and snipe at each other. They want to be friends but their judgments about each others’ “lifestyle” often stand in their way.
It’s not a highly literary book; it’s compulsively readable (I think I snarfed it down in about two hours), and with enough twists and turns to keep it interesting. I won’t spoil the ending, but personally, it disappointed me and felt completely unnecessary. Gross relies on some familiar devices, and even pokes fun at herself in the book (a few Fatal-Attraction-esque dead animals make an appearance), and I didn’t think these were necessary. She’s a skilled writer, but at times it seemed she didn’t totally trust herself and brought in some elements that were disappointingly, er, familiar.
Overall, I felt like it was a good read. A very good pool book. I think it would be fascinating book-club fodder in a mothers’ book group. I wonder if it would prove to be a bonding experience, or if people would start tossing wine at each other.
To check out what other Mother Talk bloggers thought of the book, click here. Three of my blog readers also had a chance to read this book recently – pipe up, now, and tell us what YOU all thought.
August 8, 2007 at 9:04 am
[...] 8: ReadingWritingLiving says “[The Other Mother] is compulsively readable (I think I snarfed it down in about two [...]
August 8, 2007 at 12:28 pm
I really enjoyed this book, Susan. It was a great book to read while on summer vacation- perfect for the pool or the beach.
I have to say that I related more to Thea than the other mother (ha!). But like you, I’m sort of a “hybrid mother” in that I’m home with the kids, but I work from home.
I question Gross’ decision to portray both women as being paranoid, insecure and judgmental. I think Amanda’s characterization was a bit more “out there”, and Thea’s more subtle. I also question the dead animal device- a bit contrived, I thought. And like you, I was disappointed with here ending. I’m also disappointed that people are still discussing the so-called “Mommy Wars”. I find the term both ridiculous and demeaning- and completely out of touch with most women that I know.
Having said all that, I did enjoy the book. Thank you for sending me the copy!
August 9, 2007 at 6:34 pm
The Other Mother was an enjoyable and entertaining read – thanks for the opportunity, Susan! Gross did a fine job of exploring some of the key elements in a mother’s experience. For me some of the truest details that she exposed were those that the two mothers (Amanda and Thea) felt in relationship to their husbands. She also painted a realistic picture of the how children impact a couple’s relationship – a desire to see one’s spouse taking the same responsibilities, sexual desires that are there and that aren’t, the shift in focus from each other to the family as a whole. Both mothers had anxieties and questions about their mothering abilities and choices which represented many of the thoughts and fears I’ve had as a mother. I found these elements in the story reassuring.
The book didn’t challenge me to think differently about motherhood and the relationships between mothers. The focus was on two basic stereotypes: mothers who work outside the home and those who stay at home. Perhaps because I work outside the home part-time, I identified more with the mother who was working, Amanda. I found that Amanda’s dilemmas about work – enjoyment vs. guilt, fear of losing the corporate game vs. desires to be with her child, and her worries about perceptions of her colleagues as well as those of other mothers – were more developed than the dilemmas faced by Thea.
I found myself curious about some of the other characters that were introduced but never fully developed. There was a brother’s early death that was never explained, a best-friend who came to visit but who was only somewhat developed and other family members who seemed distant, yet we never found out why. In the case of Amanda’s family, we never witnessed any communication with her father – something that seems unlikely especially given the birth of her daughter. In some ways, these unanswered questions about other characters made it difficult to fully engage in what the two primary characters were experiencing.
I’m the first to say that every story needs some drama – that’s what keeps me reading long after my son has gone to sleep! That being said, some of the drama in this story was appropriate (a house destroyed in a storm, a daughter who is hospitalized) while other dramatic elements were somewhat excessive and made the story seem less real to me (dead animals, an Outward Bound excursion cut short by a national disaster).
In the end, I wonder what the book would have been like if these two women could have become friends – what would we have learned from them in that relationship that we didn’t because they were pitted against each other from the start? Exploring the ups and downs of a true friendship between a mom who works outside the home and a stay-at-home mom might have been the challenge I was hoping for in this book.
I do think The Other Mother was an interesting exploration and a timely one that identifies some of the very real feelings of mothers regardless of whether they stay home or not. As a work of fiction, I think it can add some depth to the motherhood conversation.
August 14, 2007 at 5:09 pm
Thank you Susan, and thank you commenters! It’s wonderful to get some straight-up feedback about the book–and I love the talk it’s generating. Susan, I especially appreciate your thoughtful take, and relating the book to your own pose on the fence.
Best,
Gwendolen