So last week my husband and I finally got around to dealing with the task we’ve been putting off, like, forever. We met with a lawyer to discuss our various wishes, should various terrible things befall various members of our family. In other words, our will. Our living trust. Our medical decisions. MAN. This conversation just took us places we did not want to go, but we soldiered on, because we just have to do it. Most of it was fairly straightforward and sensible, but a couple of the questions just threw me.
What if my husband AND my children and I died simultaneously? What would happen with my mother? Who would be in charge of her, her stuff and ours? Who would make decisions for her? The thought of this possibility was more upsetting than all the other stuff put together. How bewildered and overwhelmed she would be. AGH. Well, of course the chance of that exact thing happening is the tiniest fraction of a percentage point, but STILL. We named a relative of my husband’s and just have to hope this is one of those things we prepare for but never happens.
The thing that really undid me, though, was this: naming someone to make medical decisions for ME, should my husband not be around, and if I am not capable, and my daughters not old enough. Of course HE instantly named one of his siblings for that position, ie if I were not around. But I did a quick inventory in my mind and suddenly I felt very alone. The only child of an elderly parent.
The thing is, I do have some biological half siblings. One of whom I used to be very close to. One who lives very nearby. But we have not spoken or communicated in over eight years. If our relationship had gone well it is quite possible that I could have named her in this position. But that just does not feel possible now, not in the remotest sense.
My husband recommended and offered that I name one of his siblings, whom I love dearly, but who lives very far away and is not MY sibling. I suddenly felt like I didn’t want to put this burden on HIS family. I want MY family, dammit. I want somebody in my own family to be willing and able to do this for me. I have cousins from my adoptive family but they are as remote, relationally, as my birth family. They’re not like HIS cousin, who is more like a brother, or his brother, who would do anything for him.
The whole thing just made me feel really sad and alone and made me hope more than anything that none of this will be necessary. But thinking about it was hard. Really hard.
PS. HAPPY EPILOGUE. After reading this post, my best friend contacted me immediately and said, WHY don’t you name ME? and I kind of stuttered, well, you’re far away and and and, but yeah, that’s who I would want. So I name her and she’s naming me and it’s almost like, wow, getting married or betrothed to say, I will fight for what you want, when you are at your deathbed. I’m very moved.
May 18, 2008 at 9:40 am
Difficult decisions indeed. I recently did all the same paperwork and none of the people to whom I assigned various decisions never have to make them.
Conversely, it is very good to have such a plan in place and not leave all your friends and kin asking, “I don’t know what she wanted done. Do you?.” The legal tangle would be a complete nightmare on top of the grief.
May 18, 2008 at 9:42 am
Er, and I HOPE that none have to make those decisions. I left out “hope,” the most important thing!
May 18, 2008 at 10:24 am
Such hard stuff to think about – but planning is really important, and I applaud that you have done this so thoroughly.
Sending a (((hug))), because I know it was hard to do.
May 18, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Devastating stuff. But I don’t think your situation is as uncommon as you’d think. In fact, I’d guess that your husband’s situation, with siblings plural, and at least one (if not both) responsible enough for the job, is much more rare.
I have a (young) adult daughter who is mature and responsible, but who would be devastated to face these decisions now, and no other family of my own. For now, we named my spouse’s father as my health care POA (after my spouse, of course). He wouldn’t make the same decisions I would, but he will make responsible ones — and be very respectful of our daughter’s feelings. That’s all I can ask.
My elderly step-father, who is in a (theoretically very good) nursing home would be in serious trouble if anything happened to me and my spouse. He has a loving and responsible older sibling halfway across the country, but there is no one who could oversee his care the way I do. The nursing home is his back-up plan, and I’m telling you that that is one really bad plan — but for him, there is no other. Believe me, this keeps me up at night . . .
My daughter is an only child, so she’ll face the same issues you and I have. I’m hoping she’ll marry into a family as loving as my spouse’s — that would certainly help. But there won’t be anyone in her own family for her to turn to.
If most people did the kind of planning you and your spouse did last week, I think we’d find that huge numbers would end up relying on non-relatives, including ministers or even neighbors. That you’ve done these things, and now have a plan puts you way ahead of the game, even though it’s been such a painful thing to do.
May 19, 2008 at 4:21 pm
What a huge burden you have already removed from your daughters, now that you and your husband have wrestled with these issues. We made our wills when we went to live abroad–but it’s probably time to revisit some of the decisions we made.
May 19, 2008 at 11:24 pm
Susan, Thank you!
This post is a reminder that I need to re visit our wills/living trust situation.
R. and I already know what we want from/for each other in an end-of-life situation, but we are here in USA without close family. Your post has reminded me that I do have biological siblings, but they are in Scotland and I’m here.
We are polite to each other, but I don’t think they want to be responsible for me any more than I want them to be!
I hope your daughter’s hands are healing.
Margaret
May 23, 2008 at 6:57 am
Susan,
How I could relate to this post. And the lesson that comes (over and over again in my life) with it – that we have to re-create our own families. All of us have some holes in our lives, some places of lack and emptiness – but it’s part of being human. And reaching out to those we’ve grown to love who are not related to us by blood is the only anecdote. Happily, your friend reached out to you. Fantastic.